This is a public health announcement.
Authorities in the city have noticed a growing number of deranged individuals running amok infecting the unsuspecting citizenry with an insatiable appetite for all things property. Not since the Great Zombie Invasion of 2004 has humanity fallen victim to such well mobilised guerrilla attack. This airborne contagion spreads in a matter of seconds and scientists have yet to formulate a cure.
As the infectious spread is building up to be of epidemic proportion. Health professionals are finding themselves short-staffed and out-gunned. As such, the below symptom list has been published as a self-diagnosis guide for anyone who suspects themselves to have been infected. The symptoms are:
- You read the title of this post and thought, ‘Yep, guilty.’, but read it anyway.
- ‘One’ automatically corrects on your iPhone to ‘LVR’.
- You are seriously considering naming your twins Bob and Jones.
- When an employer asks for your CV, you instinctively reply, ‘$350K as of 2011.’
- (Even worse) you then gleefully think to yourself, ‘Prendos just valued it at $500K. Now beat that!’
- You don’t know how many kids you have got but you carry pictures of all of your renovated properties in your wallet.
- If you go for 8 hours without surfing the Trade Me Property Section, you start suffering acute menopausal symptoms. You are 25 and probably not even a woman.
- Your best friend stopped inviting you to his house because the last time you went, you knocked down a wall to increase the his rental return. He is not renting.
- You genuinely believe a person’s property portfolio is an accurate barometer of her worth as a human being.
- You are the author behind the website www.DownWithApple.com for their repeated and arrogant insouciance towards your perfectly legitimate request to have a ‘tax’ button programmed into its iPhone calculator app. How else are you going to work out your net return?!
If you identify with 3 or more of the above symptoms then it is recommended that you seek immediate help. Community based support groups have been set up all around the city to help you cope with your affliction.
Good luck, and God Bless.